What It Feels Like To Wrestle With God’s Call
Do you ever find yourself wrestling with God? It’s an absurd concept as we have no chance of “winning.” But I find myself in spiritual tangles nonetheless.
When this happens, I am left in a puddle of guilt for the questions and doubts.
But with each issue I bring to the feet of Christ, my faith is stretched deeper and wider. You see, we aren’t meant to understand God! He doesn’t punish us for our lack of understanding; He simply asks us to keep our faith and to say “Yes” to His call.
As I’ve said before, I’m a recovering people pleaser, and the root of wanting to please has everything to do with the fear of being misunderstood. When God calls me to things that are new or confusing, my first thought is, “What if my loved ones don’t understand?” “What if I’m misunderstood?”
You see, I recently put in my two-weeks notice for a job I loved. God has put on my heart that I need to make more room for new opportunities. During a time when I was reflecting on my future and how I wanted to impact more people’s lives through life coaching, The Dreamer’s Nest was born. It came from a place of wanting to serve others but my fear and inner saboteur cause me to fear “selling” this service.
“What if people don’t believe in it’s value and don’t sign up?”
“What if I annoy people?”
The limiting beliefs run rampant. At the same time, I’ve been developing my life coaching membership, an opportunity presented itself to morph my freelance writing business into a partnership.
Through my last writing job, my co-worker became a close friend and is the professional, organized balance to my creative, unreserved self. Together, we have combined our skill sets and developed a new business called: Homegrown Writing Collective. When we came up with this idea, I was equally excited and nervous. The excitement came because I was adding, even more, value to future clients through the addition of my co-writer and editor. But the nerves came because it was just another business I had to market — one of the biggest factors in my fear of being misunderstood.
You see, as much as I believe in something, the idea of changing my business and creating something new puts not only myself at risk of failure but now a dear friend of mine as well. My strengths are in writing, my weakness is in marketing. So why would I do my own thing?
Running my own business opens myself up to criticism. When I am the worker instead of the creator, I am safe, follow someone else’s lead, and do what I’m told. Being “my own boss,” well…I’m exposed.
I want to help people, but I DON’T want to go out searching, selling myself, or trying to convince others to “need/want” me. Literally, those things make me feel horrible. Relationships are everything to me and for anyone to feel as though I have an ulterior motive is enough to make me want to hide.
The wrestling comes as a direct result of feeling discomfort around others and fearing the unknown.
But stepping out and saying “Yes” gives God the glory He deserves. If I was equipped in every way, I wouldn’t need others to fill in the gaps or to lean on a higher power. When I pour out my strengths and strip away my insecurities, I can better serve others and my God.
Maybe you’re wrestling with God about something He is asking you to do. You don’t feel equipped, or maybe you feel like it will welcome unwanted judgment. But walk in confidence knowing that when you follow after God, you cannot fail. Success may look different than what you had planned, but it will be even better than you could imagine.
Let your faith stretch and stand tall in exactly who you were created to be.
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